Not ready for Christmas? Don’t panic

By Annandale humorist Robert Schwaninger

Like many things around the holidays, this column is woefully late. It is, therefore, the very symbol of Christmas. Unless you are one of those people who starts buying gifts in July for people who might be dead by Thanksgiving, I am reasonably certain that not everything has gone smoothly during this shorter-than-usual period.

Perhaps you were late getting to the mall, giving yourself about as much chance of finding a parking spot as I have of being mistaken for Hugh Jackman. After driving around the lot for over a half hour, you finally ram your car onto the grass near the back of the lot and hoof it to the store, knowing that the service of a Sherpa might be required to find your vehicle again.

Maybe you were late getting out all of your Christmas cards. Knowing that you couldn’t squeeze all of the preparation into a single night, you started prioritizing the list. “Let’s see, old people first because they have the most time to get theirs out and can’t understand why you can’t do as well. Then younger family members who are fully employed and are still talking to you. And finally friends, then business associates.” My clients wonder why I’m wishing them a Merry February.

Were you late getting the tree? You know, that thing that is presently strapped to your wall with duct tape because you couldn’t score an “even” one ten days before Christmas. The one that you had to carve at the base to fit the stand with a dull hatchet you haven’t used since Scouts. The one that is presently shedding needles like a porcupine with the mange. The one that is barfing up ornaments because the boughs are drooping like a large, green mustache. Yeah, that one.

Were you late calling far-flung relatives and friends to wish them the best for the New Year? Did you try to cover your backside by writing a single, cheery email with a string of addresses that reaches beyond the capacity of your server and has caused federal investigators to hunt you down to bust an illegal spam producer?

Well, don’t feel alone. There are times when life conspires against us and the spirit of the season itself is late to our hearts. We have rushed past the holly wreaths and even the Gatling gun of Christmas commercials didn’t shoot a single bit of starlight into our hearts until we find ourselves roasting in holiday guilt upon the Yule log.

Do not feel bad. Don’t even let a hint of guilt disturb you. After all, Christmas is about giving and maybe the one thing you could ask everyone for is “a break.” Now that would be a Merry Christmas.